By Caroline Davis, Inner Freedom EFT
Last weekend, I spent a lovely morning at a cider mill with a friend and her family.
We enjoyed cider and donuts, caught up with each other, and spent some time together on a beautiful fall morning.
It was wonderful to see her and the family. For a few hours, I was completely there—laughing, talking, and enjoying the crisp fall air.
But something interesting happened afterward.
Almost as soon as I got into my car, I started calculating.
What time would I get home?
How much of the afternoon would I have left?
What could I still get done?
There were chores waiting for me, things I wanted to accomplish, and what suddenly felt like far too few hours remaining in the day.
I remember feeling frustrated.
I have no time!
And yet, I’d just spent a wonderful morning doing something I genuinely wanted to do.
It was almost as though I could enjoy the morning…
But I’d have to pay for it later.
Because the responsibilities hadn’t disappeared while I was enjoying myself. They were still waiting, and now I had less time to take care of them.
And I began wondering whether I’d come to think of enjoyment as something that should happen only after everything else was taken care of.
When did enjoying my life become something I have to earn?
When Enjoyment Comes with a Price
Have you ever noticed how quickly your mind can shift from enjoying something to thinking about everything else you should be doing?
I’ve been wondering whether there’s a belief underneath that pressure: that our responsibilities should come before our enjoyment.
And I’ve noticed that this belief can show up in two different ways.
Sometimes it shows up before we do something enjoyable.
Maybe a friend invites us to lunch, but we hesitate because there’s so much we need to get done.
Or we think about spending an afternoon gardening, reading, or doing something creative, but decide we should finish our chores first.
I’ll do that once I get caught up.
I really should take care of these other things first.
And sometimes it shows up afterward.
We make time for something we enjoy, just as I did that morning at the cider mill.
But afterward, we feel rushed or guilty because our responsibilities are still waiting.
Now I’m behind.
I shouldn’t have taken so much time.
I’m going to have to work harder to catch up.
And sometimes, there isn’t even a particular responsibility demanding our attention. There’s simply an uncomfortable feeling that we should be doing something more useful.
As though enjoyment, by itself, isn’t quite enough to justify our time.
Of course, sometimes our competing responsibilities are very real. We have commitments, people depend on us, and there are things that genuinely need our attention.
But perhaps the responsibilities themselves aren’t the whole story.
Perhaps it’s also the assumption that they should always come first.
That enjoyment is something we get to experience only after we’ve taken care of everything else.
And when we haven’t done enough, enjoyment can start to feel indulgent.
Or irresponsible.
Or like something we’ll eventually have to make up for.
Where Did We Learn That?
I don’t remember anyone explicitly telling me that enjoyment had to be earned.
But I do remember growing up with a strong desire to do well.
I was motivated to excel.
I remember my dad working after dinner most nights.
And I remember high school feeling like a never-ending cycle of classes, sports and other activities, homework, sleep, and then getting up to do it all over again.
There was always something to work toward.
Something to finish.
Something to prepare for.
I don’t know exactly when I began associating productivity with being responsible, or when enjoyment started feeling like something that needed to fit around everything else.
But I wonder whether many of our beliefs develop that way.
Perhaps you grew up watching a parent who worked long hours or rarely slowed down.
Or maybe you were praised most enthusiastically when you achieved something, and learned that accomplishment was the path to approval.
Perhaps you absorbed the idea that being busy meant you were responsible, while taking time for enjoyment was something you did only after the work was finished.
Or maybe you simply noticed what got prioritized—and what got postponed.
Not necessarily because anyone explicitly told you how life was supposed to work.
Sometimes we absorb these messages through the ordinary rhythms and expectations around us.
And none of those messages are necessarily problematic on their own.
There’s nothing wrong with working hard, caring about our responsibilities, or wanting to accomplish meaningful things.
But somewhere along the way, perhaps we began to believe that what we accomplish determines whether we’ve earned the right to enjoy ourselves.
And that’s a belief worth getting curious about.
But There’s Always Something Else to Do
Here’s the problem with waiting until everything is finished before allowing ourselves to enjoy life.
When is everything actually finished?
There’s always another email.
Another chore.
Another project.
Something that needs cleaning, organizing, fixing, planning, or improving.
Even when we accomplish everything on today’s list, tomorrow brings another one.
And if enjoyment is something we can only experience once all our responsibilities are taken care of, we may find ourselves continually postponing it.
I’ll take that afternoon off when things settle down.
I’ll get back to my hobbies when I have more time.
I’ll relax once I finish this project.
I’ll enjoy myself after I get caught up.
And that’s where this belief can become such a trap.
If enjoyment is something we have to earn by finishing our responsibilities, but our responsibilities are never completely finished, when do we ever get to enjoy ourselves?
We may keep telling ourselves, I’ll do that when I have more time.
But without realizing it, we can spend years waiting for a moment when everything is finally taken care of.
A moment that may never arrive.
And even when we do make time for enjoyment, we may struggle to fully experience it because part of us is still thinking about everything left undone.
What If Enjoyment Isn’t the Opposite of Productivity?
There’s another possibility I’ve been considering.
We often think about enjoyment and productivity as though they’re competing for the same limited resources.
An hour with a friend is an hour we aren’t working. An afternoon in the garden is an afternoon we aren’t checking things off the list.
And, practically speaking, that’s sometimes true.
But is that the whole picture?
What about the way we feel after spending time with someone we love?
Or the fresh perspective that sometimes appears when we step away from a problem we’ve been trying so hard to solve?
What about the creativity that can emerge when we’re doing something simply because we enjoy it?
Enjoyment can be rejuvenating.
It can help us reconnect with ourselves, with other people, and with the things that make life feel meaningful.
Sometimes, stepping away from our responsibilities helps us return with renewed energy or a different perspective.
But there’s something important here that I don’t want to overlook.
Enjoyment doesn’t have to make us more productive to be worthwhile.
We don’t have to justify an afternoon with a friend by proving that it helped us accomplish more afterward.
We don’t have to turn gardening into a lesson in mindfulness or reading a novel into an exercise in personal development.
Sometimes we can do something simply because we love doing it.
Because it brings us happiness.
Because it makes life richer.
And perhaps that’s enough.
What If We Questioned the Bargain?
In my August reflection on why it’s so hard to honor what we know we need, I explored the voice that often appears when we consider slowing down or taking care of ourselves.
The voice that says:
You should finish this first.
You don’t have time.
You can do that later.
A similar voice can appear around enjoyment.
Perhaps the next time we notice that familiar pressure, we can pause long enough to become curious.
Is there something that genuinely needs my attention right now?
Or is there an old belief telling me I haven’t earned the right to enjoy myself?
We don’t have to dismiss our responsibilities or argue with the feeling.
We can simply begin noticing the difference.
And perhaps, over time, we can begin to question whether enjoyment really needs to be something we earn.
This Week’s Inner Freedom Practice
This week’s Inner Freedom Practice is an invitation to explore what happens inside when we consider doing something simply because we enjoy it.
Using EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques) alongside mindful awareness, we’ll gently notice any discomfort, guilt, or sense of obligation that may arise.
Perhaps there’s a voice telling us we should be doing something more productive.
Perhaps there’s a worry about falling behind.
Or perhaps there’s simply an uneasy feeling that’s difficult to explain.
Rather than trying to push those feelings away or convince ourselves we shouldn’t have them, we’ll approach them with curiosity.
What does this part of us seem to be concerned about?
What does it believe might happen if we allow ourselves to enjoy something without earning it first?
And what might become possible if we begin relating to that concern with a little more understanding and compassion?
Perhaps we can also begin listening to what we genuinely want—not just what we think we should do.
Closing Reflection
I’ve been thinking about how easily we can begin measuring our days by what we’ve accomplished.
The tasks completed.
The problems solved.
The things crossed off our lists.
And those accomplishments can be meaningful and satisfying.
But they’re not the only things that make a life meaningful.
There’s also laughter with a friend.
The pleasure of being outdoors on a beautiful day.
The satisfaction of doing something creative.
The quiet enjoyment of a book, a garden, a conversation, or an afternoon with no particular agenda.
These experiences don’t always produce something we can measure.
But they contribute something to our lives nonetheless.
I don’t think the answer is to stop caring about our responsibilities or to pretend that time isn’t limited.
And I certainly don’t think we need another reason to criticize ourselves when we struggle to make room for enjoyment.
Perhaps the invitation is simply to become curious about the belief that enjoyment has to be earned.
To notice when we find ourselves mentally calculating the cost of doing something we love.
And to consider whether that calculation tells the whole story.
Because what if enjoyment isn’t something waiting for us at the end of a sufficiently productive life?
What if it’s part of the life we’re here to live?
If You’d Like Some Additional Support
Sometimes we can recognize a belief that’s shaping our choices without knowing quite how to change our relationship with it.
We may understand intellectually that we don’t have to earn our enjoyment, yet still feel guilty or uncomfortable when we take time for ourselves.
This is the kind of pattern we can gently explore together through EFT.
Rather than forcing ourselves to think differently, we can become curious about what makes the belief feel so convincing and begin exploring it with compassion.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you.
Feel free to reach out through my contact form to learn more about working together or to schedule a complimentary Discovery Call.
With care,
Caroline
Inner Freedom EFT
Inner Freedom. Healing Beyond.
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